“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure"
~ Marianne Williamson
Hello Beautiful Soul!
May this newsletter find you in vibrant health and joy!
I'd like to share with you the uncovering of a negative unconscious pattern around power I was upholding. I've revisited this theme many times in my life. The related quote above is part of my favorite excerpt from A Return to Love which is one of the most profound books I've read that speaks of personal power. I've had this excerpt hanging on my walls for decades and reflect on it often.
I want to establish a frame of reference for the words negative and unconscious. The word negative is often used to denote something bad. If you've had a session with me, you know that when I refer to a "negative" pattern, it means a pattern that leads to negating the essence of who you are. The word unconscious is frequently used to mean "senseless" but in this context it's about lack of awareness.
When you lack consciousness about a pattern, you can't recognize or perceive it. As whole beings, our patterns can manifest in different ways and have multiple layers to them. And, the effects of an unconscious pattern can be far reaching. It can impact the physical, financial, relational, emotional, mental and even spiritual aspects of your life especially if it's a pattern that has been with you for a long time.
Many of our patterns are a result of our conditioning. We're taught, almost from the time of our birth, to follow certain expectations and in some instances to suppress our natural inclinations and essence to fit in. This can happen within our family, community and society at large. Often times, we're aware of our patterns and some are productive and supportive, but there are many that don't serve at all.
In the case of trauma or deep wounding especially during childhood, we can end up with negative unconscious patterns that have predictive power over our lives yet be completely unaware of them. In these cases, how you show up or react in different situations has become so second nature and entrenched, you don't realize when or how it happens and much less its effects.
Once you are aware of how a negative pattern impacts you, it can no longer have power over you, unless you decide to avoid or ignore it. Sometimes, that seems like the easy way to go because it's familiar and change can be hard. However, I've learned that there's only so long that'll last.
Once you know something, you can't unknow it and the discomfort you'll create by knowingly choosing not to act on it will feel heavy, constricting and at times downright excruciating. I believe that is the Higher Self's way of nudging and trying to get attention because it knows your true nature and highest potential.
Consciousness bestows power. Power leads to responsibility. And, responsibility is the ability to respond in a way that is supportive, nurturing and inspires growth.
Now, to my experience of uncovering my pattern. For months, I've been deliberately working towards some goals, making progress but still feeling like I'm being held back. I couldn't figure out where this feeling stems from because I've done healing work and have been taking a lot of aligned action. This lead me to get curious, sit with it and contemplate on it daily. After some time, I got this innate knowing that whatever it is, is stuck in my body.
Recently, I started to do some bodywork with a kinesiologist/fitness trainer my sister introduced me to. It's facilitated somatic releasing with great results and helped me become more connected and aware of how my body constricts and creates tension. He's also held space for me to process past wounds I've done healing on but suspected could still be related. I felt this would be helpful with the releasing if in fact it was linked because of the mind and body connection.
Then, totally unrelated or at least I thought, I had a Business Code Breaker (BCB) session because I was fascinated by the modality. I gained great insights about areas I can improve on. The practitioner also shared that she sensed I was struggling with the energy of oppression. We discussed it although it didn't totally make sense as it relates to business, but as customary for me, I decided to make a note to explore later.
I'm still amazed at how the results of these unrelated experiences, soon after, helped me make connections about this unconscious pattern. It was activated during a phone call with someone I relate to very well. I gained powerful awareness about how it was triggered within my body in that moment and then the next day, I realized how it's led to self-sabotage in other situations.
This is what I noticed during the call:
When I hung up, I decided to connect to my body, meditate and do some deep breathing until I was able to relax enough to fall asleep. That night, I woke up during the night with some past memories that felt significant. I recorded them in my journal before going back to sleep.
The next day, I contemplated the experience, reviewed my journal for recent discoveries and dug deep. I realized some topics that came up during the BCB session were similar in nature to those that triggered tension in my body. Given some of the bodywork I've been doing, I believe a somatic memory around some of my wounding was activated during the conversation. That lead me to start experiencing it as "oppressive" which then caused the sensations and emotional response. It was a irrational response given I welcomed and initiated some of the discussion.
I've been exploring my conditioning for some time now. The theme of power has come up again recently, especially the way that women are socialized around it. I've been really trying to dissect that because at different times in my life, starting in childhood, I witnessed and personally experienced the effects of the abuse of power.
Another big realization is that money, relationships and power are very much interrelated and are all aspects that can activate a sense of unsafety or insecurity. As a collective, there are a lot of societal problems that are rooted in the misuse, abuse or false ideas of one of these in order to gain the others.
I figured out that energies in likeness with oppression at times have unconsciously triggered tension in my body and mental shutdown. In some situations this has even led me to end situations or connections abruptly. In essence, these are negative aspects of the energy of power. In hindsight, this pattern kept me safe a handful of time. However, I can definitely see how it's lead to self-sabotage in situations I desired and took initiative towards because the ego tends to resist the unfamiliar as a way to seek safety.
The themes of safety, security, and power have been present in many of my most significant experiences and life lessons. Although the unconscious pattern manifested in irrational ways, it all makes sense to me why. I'm still in total awe especially when I think about where I am in my life, as well as the interconnectedness of all the pieces and people that played a role. As always, I feel profound admiration for life and how God moves for and through us.
I'd love to hear of any recent experiences or realizations you've had that have been life changing and supported you in leveling up.
To navigating life with curiosity, joy, and deep reverence!
If you're ready to activate your healing, power, and clarity around a life, work or relationship challenge and want guidance through it, let's talk.